The lasts weeks I had the worst time of my life. I have not been so depressed in a very long time. I been uncounciosly sabotaging myself or maybe counciounsly, it’s difficult to say: for the first time in my life I have absolutely no money, the person I loved left me, I’ve quit my job, I left my country, I left my family, my friends, I have no activities, no goals, no purpose anymore. Indeed lot of negative premieres. After pursuing all kind of materialistic goals like most people: career, money, a house, a great relationship, beauty, to be respected and admired, to be the smartest, with the fastest success and so on, I am left completely empty and disappointed in realizing that any of these have not made me satisfied, happy or fulfiled in any way. I’ve been in so many different states, wishing and setting all the goals we can possible see in the world around us. Reading and learning about personal development, the fastest and most effiecient ways of achieving your goals, everytime being sure that this is it, this is the information or the knowledge or the tool I was missing, and if I follow this I can have everything I have ever wanted. After each break down being sure that I have learned all there is to learn and nothing can affect me or harm anymore. And yet the more I wanted something the further away from me would my wish go. Than I got in a point that I was convienced that all that is material is bad and the only pursuit worth going must be spiritual, so of course I went for the greatest spiritual pursuit: enlightnment and spiritual awakening. I did not go far with this one, as the person I really liked just decided that he wants to be with me, and as enlightnment and a relationship can’t go together I had to decide between the two. The decision was not so difficult, as I was anyway still attached on material matters and didn’t understand to well the concept of enlightnment, even thow I start reading about it, cos’ what we do when we are going to our next new thing? we read a book, preferrably the best rated one on amazon or ebay:) and than we think we know so much. The human mind (or rather ego) is for sure funny and plays with us in many ways if we listen to everything it says. And what was my ego saying? If you are on this planet in human form, you should enjoy all things available in the world. Starting more spiritual practices doesn’t go too well with material posessions, with relationships, with having a family, you have to let all go. But for sure you have time for this after you die. I am a spirit in human form which has the power to come in the human dimesnsion everytime it wants, as I understood it from the Tibetan Budhism book about reincarnations. So, enlightnment after I die or maybe when I am old I’ll have time for it:)
After this, I reached a point when I saw nothing good in my life, no possibilities, no chance for changing and I was totally depressed and sure that there is no point to start anything in my life, any realation, to have any goal, because none of these is going to make me happy. I felt empty, had no desires, no wants, no plans, nothing that I could think of could make me excited, I felt there is no purpose of the mind, of the body, of the soul. I just wanted to stop being.
Than I understood that the change must happend inside, because no matter how much I would try to change external conditions, no matter in which country I would move, no matter how many friends I would change, no matter how many things I would give up, I still have to deal with my internal fears, judgements and negative beliefs, that will follow me no matter where I would run. In the end we are not running of the situations and bad conditions, we are running from ourselves. The only problem is that the ego will always follow us, because we are in a deep love relationship with the ego. Than, letting it go can be devastating and heartbreathing. When we finish a love relationship the ego is devasted, because it means this means so many things for the ego: it means that I was not good enough, it means that I was not important, that I am not meaningful. Only that the true self is meaningful just by it’s mere existence. There is no confirmation that I need from the others, no admiration, no love that I need from the others to know that I am meaningful and I am an important and extraordinary human being.
There is so much resistance inside of us, resistance of the ego that is stopping us to be what we want to be, that is stopping us to feel free, that is stopping us to be happy. And yet, the ego is necessary, because it is the only way we can diferentiate the truth from the false, and is the only way to find out the truth and the authentic.
What should my next goal be?:)
There is a saying: Whatever you decide to do make sure it will make you happy!
Than I decide to just be happy, and my ultimate goal is: happiness, love, peace and joy. How I am going to do this? I don’t know. I just know that when I focus on these states and I am thinking that these are the goals in life I feel free and I don’t feel the stress and pressure that I felt when my goals were: a car, a house, money, a career, or a relationship.